I may lose battles but I will NOT lose the race; My life with mental illness

The women you see today was once where you are, in a place no one wants to be, in a fight for her life. Once my amazing husband told me he wished he could understand what I went threw to help (he's a fixer). He just didn't understand at all what it is like. So I though about it and told him, imagine your life is a well a DEEP dark well. When your in the bottom you cant see the light. Most days you have the strength each day to climb. No matter why you do it, you do it. Somedays you make it SO close to the top you can almost touch the light. Then out of no where you get knocked back down. Each day feeling like your closer but never really being out of the well, seeing the light you have been working so hard to reach slowly get smaller and smaller.

I know SO many of you know this all too well. You feel like no one understands and like there is no hope and you will never be free. I was one of those people too. I was a victim along with my "disease", and I allowed it (YES allowed) to consume who I was meant to be...

I am a child of a broken home. My dad, I was DADDIES girl, left when my twin sister and I were seven and our sister Becca was just one. I remember hugging him goodbye and running after him as he drove away, wondering why he wouldn't turn around. Soon after that there was a huge move, mom remarried, he was gone after 6 years. Then it was just us again. In case it wasn't clear, my mom is a rock star and has made it threw so much. But Im getting ahead of myself...I was diagnosed with depression pretty early on. I don't remember how old I was but I know my first "break down" was in eight grade. I remember this overwhelming fear my mom was going to die. It consumed me. I even carried her scarf around. Was I crazy? No, something was just happening that I couldn't explain. I remember the kids staring at me. I remember the stares as a walked down the hall feeling so small. It got so bad my mom had to come get me. Thats when therapy started and my journey began. I was soon after diagnosed with Depression, anxiety, and slight OCD. 

Life went on, it was hard. I tried to find my way and was even in a gothic phase in high school lol, I know right?! ME GOTHIC lol. Everyone I loved thought I hated them but what was really happening was a girl who just didn't know how explain how she felt. It didn't feel normal. I tried to fight it but nothing seemed to work. So there I sat....in the bottom of my well. I usually don't like to share this part but I feel like there is so many people it could help so here we go. I started cutting my leg when I was about 14. It was no ones influence, I don't even know why or when it happened. I just remember feeling SO much I didn't know what else to do. I hid that for a LONG time and even my amazing twin sister didn't know until a few months ago. 

Fast forward to 2010 (there was stuff in between but you don't need all that LOL). I had married the marine of my dreams. An amazing man who I don't deserve at all. At this point we had moved to Hawaii and I just had our second daughter (the girls are 19 months apart). I don't remember doing much when he was at work but crying. Feeling like no one understood and that nothing was ever going to change. Feeling like something wasn't right with me. I hated talking about it because I couldn't explain it. It was just sadness ALL the time. Feeling like I should be happy because I was so blessed to live in Hawaii and have two beautiful, healthy girls, and a husband who is so much more to me then you can imagine. This sadness and CRAZY anxiety about everything was so much to handle. Crying to Cory (my hubby) wondering why God wasn't "helping" (not realizing I had to actually try too lol). That I was just tired, tired of fighting, tired of having to work so hard to be happy. I couldn't even go anywhere without my heart racing wondering what others were thinking of me. Couldn't look in a mirror without seeing faults. This and so much more went one for years. 

We now live in NC and one day I saw something that I didn't know but it would change my life forever. I found coaching. Now Im not here to tell you about coaching, but thats what did it for me. I learned about Personal growth and how I could take control. That I would never be "cured" but that being a victim and blaming everyone and everything around me was NOT going to ever work. So something had to change, and it did. I realized that I didn't want my kids to grow up to be like me. That I never wanted to feel like they had to "make mommy happy" or "fix me". So I put on my big girl panties and tool CONTROL. I became a coach, started working out full time (at home thank goodness lol), ate right, and started working on the inside. 

I cant even go into everything I have learned, we don't have enough time for a book lol. Just know if you suffer from anything like this you are NOT alone. People go threw it and you CAN overcome it. But YOU have to take the steps to do it. I don't know what that looks like for you, but no one can do it for you. So even on the days when the light is so small in the well you don't even know if you can try to climb out, keep climbing. NEVER STOP CLIMBING. Life is SO short. God would never want us to feel sad all the time. I truly believe He give us these things to learn how to overcome them and become who we were meant to be. I am becoming that person. I cant even explain how amazing it feels. I stopped being a victim, stopped blaming others, stopped making excuses (EVERY excuse lol), and just DID IT. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done. And I will never be "done". But I will never stop, not ever.

SO with that I beg you stop "just allowing" life to happen and start LIVING life. Nothing is as bad as it seems and you will be ok. It will never be perfect. Even happiness isn't like Pollyanna all the time. Happiness is being ok and hopeful no matter what may come. 

All my love and God bless, 

Kathryn K